Confidence or Arrogance?

I’ve been thinking recently about the difference between confidence and arrogance.  I’ve always believed that it’s critical to believe in yourself.  I love Henry Ford’s quote: “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”  When you begin to doubt your own abilities, capacity or even self-worth, it makes it very difficult to accomplish anything.  On the flip side, too much confidence can come off to others as cocky, unapproachable, or a know it all. 

I’ve found myself exploring this dichotomy.  Listening to a presentation feeling like I’m already familiar with what is being said.  If I leave and move on to something else, confident in my current knowledge, is that arrogant? Or if I stay and remain open to learning something new from all situations, does that make me confident?  Trying to determine what meetings to take. Does saying no because I’m confident in my priorities make me arrogant? Or does the confident person prioritize all opportunities to connect with others?  Does procrastinating and “winging it” for meetings or presentations make me arrogant?  Or am I confident in my ability to deliver at a high level with limited preparation?

I’m not sure I have the exact answer to these questions, but I have a few thoughts on how these two attributes differ.  At the core - confidence is how we feel about ourselves in relation to ourselves and arrogance is how we feel about ourselves in relation to others.  I believe that while they can look similar, they are rooted in completely different areas.  Confidence doesn’t require the validation of others, where arrogance is in constant search of it.  Arrogance is often rooted in insecurity and fear.  It usually comes from someone who deep down is not confident, but is trying to appear that they are.  This then gets expressed through defensiveness, bragging about accomplishments, and belittling or demeaning others.  When we are confident, there is a trust in our own abilities and we have no problem highlighting the accomplishments of others or admitting when we are wrong because neither are a threat to our view of ourselves.

I hate to think of myself as an arrogant person, but I do think there are times when I express arrogance.  I don’t think we should judge ourselves (or others) as arrogant or confident people.  We are rarely one or the other in all facets of our life, it is human nature to express both - ebbing and flowing between moments of arrogance and moments of confidence.  The key is awareness and understanding when we are showing up confident and genuine and times when we are feeling insecure, trying to project confidence but really showing up as arrogant.  This step alone can help bring more confidence into our lives because we are willing to acknowledge when we might be showing up as arrogant.  Life is not a zero-sum game.  Self-worth does not depend on us being superior to others.  True confidence comes from lifting others up and knowing that we can all accomplish great things without it coming at the expense of others’ failures or misfortunes.