Time to Stop “Should-ing” on Yourself
How many times a day do you find yourself starting a sentence in your head with the words; “I should”? For most people the answer is: quite a few. Psychologist Clayton Barbeau is credited with coming up with the term “shoulding yourself” to describe the scenario of telling yourself that you have an obligation to do something different from what you are currently doing. Since then there have been books written about the topic like Chris Thurman’s, Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself and Tricia Huffman’s, F the Shoulds. Do the Wants. There are numerous videos about “Should-ing” and many research projects have been done related to the subject.
I personally find myself often saying, “I should eat healthier”, “I should be more present with others”, “I should drink less alcohol” and “I shouldn’t be on my phone so much.” The problem with “should” and “shouldn’t” is that most times it is self defeating. It creates feelings of guilt, inadequacy, failure and a lack of self control. This can be overwhelming and it actually leads to the opposite of what we hope it will do. When we feel that we are not good enough, we actually become stagnant and the inaction causes us to stay stuck where we are instead of making progress toward what we want.
The problem is that over time we lose sight of where the “shoulds” are coming from. We begin to blur the line between what we actually want and what we believe society or others want us to do. There is confusion between wants and doing things for approval, or from guilt. There are certainly things that we don’t like doing and could be confused as something we “don’t want to do”. However when we think about the why behind those things, we do them to avoid consequences or to move us closer to a goal that is important to us. We may not want to pull weeds, but if we know it will lead to a healthier and more enjoyable yard or garden, we take on the task for the benefits it will bring.
If we know where the “shoulds” are coming from then we can determine if it’s something we really want to take action on. In that case we have to change the wording and replace “I should” with a phrase that sparks action, such as “I will…”, “I am going to…” or “I choose to…”. This shifts our mindset from one of helplessness to one of control. We make a commitment to take action instead of beating ourselves up about what we are not doing. And in the moments where you slip and start to “should”, remember to be patient and kind to yourself. Appreciate that you caught yourself shoulding and simply make a commitment to take action.
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